Last year around this time, an idea started forming in my head. One that was drastic and meant a huge change both mentally and physically. By April, this idea was a solid one. One that I acted upon. One that I needed to make a reality. I decided to leave a good paying job, one that I enjoyed getting up in the morning to go to, one where I enjoyed its challenges and saw its rewards. But in that job, I was alone. All of my friends and most importantly my mom were elsewhere, across the country. I exchanged that job for my family. I knew this was going to be a tough change. I knew that my challenges were going to be even more and I wouldn't see the rewards as much. I knew that I would struggle. But I would have my family. I would have the friends nearby that I had found over 10 years prior that had left a gaping hole when I moved away from them.
I don't regret that decision. I don't regret exchanging one for the other. But what I exchanged it for is not what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I expected difficulties, I knew it was going to be hard. But, not to this extent. I did not expect to be crying in a darkened classroom during my lunchtime so I could have some quiet time. I did not expect to feel like an inadequate teacher everyday. I did not expect to question why I am a teacher in the first place, when it feels like I am talking to a brick wall most of the time. I did not expect that we would not be allowed to just "teach", that the amount of things to do would outweigh the teaching process. I did not expect to feel so overwhelmed that I just want to throw my hands up and say "I'm done."
I am not allowed to be a teacher. I have to be everything else. I have to do everything else and most of the time, I don't have time to do that! I used to love to teach. I used to love to stay after and help students, but now I can't wait for that bell to ring, so I can get out of here.
I'm beginning to wonder if there is another change coming up for me. Maybe a profession change this time. Because, I really wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm meant to do.