Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Reflections

Last year around this time, an idea started forming in my head. One that was drastic and meant a huge change both mentally and physically. By April, this idea was a solid one. One that I acted upon. One that I needed to make a reality. I decided to leave a good paying job, one that I enjoyed getting up in the morning to go to, one where I enjoyed its challenges and saw its rewards. But in that job, I was alone. All of my friends and most importantly my mom were elsewhere, across the country. I exchanged that job for my family. I knew this was going to be a tough change. I knew that my challenges were going to be even more and I wouldn't see the rewards as much. I knew that I would struggle. But I would have my family. I would have the friends nearby that I had found over 10 years prior that had left a gaping hole when I moved away from them.

I don't regret that decision. I don't regret exchanging one for the other. But what I exchanged it for is not what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I expected difficulties, I knew it was going to be hard. But, not to this extent. I did not expect to be crying in a darkened classroom during my lunchtime so I could have some quiet time. I did not expect to feel like an inadequate teacher everyday. I did not expect to question why I am a teacher in the first place, when it feels like I am talking to a brick wall most of the time. I did not expect that we would not be allowed to just "teach", that the amount of things to do would outweigh the teaching process. I did not expect to feel so overwhelmed that I just want to throw my hands up and say "I'm done."

I am not allowed to be a teacher. I have to be everything else. I have to do everything else and most of the time, I don't have time to do that! I used to love to teach. I used to love to stay after and help students, but now I can't wait for that bell to ring, so I can get out of here.

I'm beginning to wonder if there is another change coming up for me. Maybe a profession change this time. Because, I really wonder if I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm meant to do.

1 comment:

  1. Terri I can really relate. As you know I left AZ to get away from some of the frustrations of teaching. But I find that although teaching in WV was a breath of fresh air at first... The same frustrations are working their way to all the states and WV is no exception. I am a very self driven teacher, but I find myself getting so overwhelmed with paperwork and other responsibilities that it has taken almost all the joy out of teaching. The rigorous manner in which we are supposed to teach all while maintaining student interest and fidelity to our core.... Ugh... I could just scream. I wonder when the teacher's opinions (of what their students really need ) will be valued. I have had many thoughts of leaving my career as an educator behind simply because my job doesn't allow me to teach how I feel my students will best learn. I will really be doing my research to find a career where I can utilize my teaching ability and artistic talents to find my sense of enjoyment and pride in my work again! I am thinking about art therapy again. Or maybe I should just learn to work on a farm! I want to feel like I'm an active participant in my own life. As a teacher my whole life seems on hold until summer. I wish you the best of luck in your search! Keep me posted!

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